The Keyboardist

If you're a talentless nobody playing keyboards for a lousy band, The Rock Bible is your manual! Before you fill up the airwaves with self-indulgent synth noodling, here are the rules:

'No keyboards without full-sized keys. Smaller keys are only for Christmas morning, when your parents think a mini keyboard will be your gateway to becoming an accomplished musician.'

'There's only one person who will look more ridiculous and offensive in leather pants than the lead singer: the keyboard player.'

'If you play the keyboard with one hand and the tambourine with the other, you are neither a keyboardist nor a tambourine player.'

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.