The Fan

No matter how talented the band, how soulful the delivery or how poetic the songwriting, it'd be nothing without a devoted flock of undiscriminating diehard fans. Here's a few guidelines for faithful followers from The Rock Bible:

'Showing up at a show three hours early to get a primo space in front of the stage is reaffirming to all those around you that you don't have a life.'

'No waiting to get an autograph for more than half an hour (although even that seems a bit too long). The band is either getting high or already back at the hotel.'

'If you ask a crew member for a set list, it's best to listen to the first answer you get. Any subsequent requests will be met with an increasing insult and chance of removal from the venue.'

Art direction by Bryn Ashburn for Quirk.